Dec 1 – Pick One Word

If I had to encapsulate the experiences of 2010 into a single word I would pick the word Trying.

It was trying in that much of it was difficult. We dealt with money trouble (eased in part by the generosity of dear friends). We dealt with family health issues. We dealt with a spike in (and were blessed with some degree of resolution of) our daughter’s mental health issues.

But, it was also a year of us trying to improve our lot in life.

It was a year of us trying to get a handle on our eating habits. We gave up, much to our chagrin, when life started throwing us curve-balls.

It was a year of us trying to get a handle on our finances. Things are better than they were in year’s past, but we’re still reeling from the expenses related to the aforementioned health and mental health crises.

It was a year of us trying (and succeeding) to be better parents. To be more patient. To be more understanding.

This time next year I would like to look back at 2011 and be able to encapsulate it as Progress. I am hopeful that 2011 will allow us to see movement toward the goals we have for ourselves personally. I am hopeful that 2011 will see us moving toward making the life of our dreams a reality.

Dec 2 – Writing

The biggest thing that takes time away from my ability to write is the time I spend fiddling around on the Internet. I’ve cut back quite a bit over the course of 2010. But, I can still cut back further. The problem is that working on the computer, it’s just too easy to click on a tab, and be on Facebook in another window.

So, I am considering how I can fit time into my day to write, just to write, without temptation.

What I’ve come up with is that i can walk down to the Panera Bread in the shopping center where my girls take Tae Kwon Do, bring a notebook, order a cup of herbal tea and sit and let the ideas flow until it’s time to pick them up and go home. I can probably do this two nights a week … buying me an hour to an hour and a half of time (total each week) to, if nothing else, brainstorm.

Dec 3 – Moment

A moment when I felt alive? 2010 was a difficult year. Honestly, the bulk of the year found me with my head down, trudging ahead, forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other.

But, back in October the family and I spent a weekend down in the MD/DC area visiting our friend Casey. There was a moment that found me sitting on a bench – the first time I had sat down all day. My chest was heavy, my joints were aching, my feet were throbbing. I was frankly miserable. I kept forcing myself to try and enjoy the blessing of the seat beneath me – the comfort it provided … the leaves green and golden in the sunlight – the beauty it afforded me … the sight of Sephoni across the path, sitting on a wall … the joy on her face. I will be honest in saying that I wasn’t really succeeding.

Then, out of nowhere it seemed, a group of men appeared … each dressed as a Greenman singing a traditional Pagan chant.

“Hoof and Horn, Hoof and Horn
all that dies shall be reborn
Corn and Grain, Corn and Grain
all that falls shall rise again”

- Ian Corrigan

Tears welled in my eyes, and a spark of joy sprang to live in my heart. In that moment I could smell the sweetness of the air, the colors around me were suddenly brighter. In that moment I felt the presence of the Divine and felt embraced by my Gods.

Dec 4 – Wonder

Insofar as achieving a sense of wonder this past year. I’ll be frank in stating that I didn’t come even close. In fact, it didn’t even occur to me to try.

I would hope that I take this as a wake up call to look for opportunities for joy and wonder in 2011.

Dec 5 – Let Go

This year was a year of letting go of stuff. Of purging through drawers and closets. Of purging through boxes in the attic. Of purging ourselves of having so many “wants” and focusing instead on “needs”, or at least wants that serve a greater purpose.

There is more to release. More to let go of. But the funny thing is, the more I get rid of, the more clothes I dump in donation bins, the more books I give to the public library, the more old toys I give to the neighbors (or my co-workers), the more junk I send to recycling bins or (as infrequently as I possibly can) the garbage dump the better it feels.

I think because our dream of a home of our home in the country requires that we learn to live a simpler life. To make do with less. To be happy with very little. This year, more than any other, we made a lot of progress in terms of stripping away the unneeded, the unnecessary. Every time we purge a little more excess out of our lives, it feels like we’re making room for another reality to take hold.

Blessings

Jia

Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. Use the end of your year as an opportunity to reflect on what’s happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead. With Reverb 10 – and the 31 prompts our authors have created for you – you’ll have support on your journey.

December 6 – Make.

Life is what you make of it. – Eleanor Roosevelt

What have I made in 2010?

I made mistakes.

As a wife.  As a mother.  As a human being.

I learned from them.

I made promises.

Some I’ve kept. Some I’ve broken.

Some I’m still working on.

I’ve made countless meals.

I’ve nourished my family’s bodies.

I hope I’ve nourished their spirits as well.

I’ve made progress, I hope,

even if only measured in baby steps

towards my hopes and dreams.

Even if my dreams are still out of sight, out of reach … they feel closer.  They feel possible.

This year, unlike any other in recent history, I have hope.  Hope as you find on a snowy March or April morning … when in spite of all the evidence to the contrary the scent of Spring can be found in the air.

Once you smell that, you know that the snow will melt, that the grass will grow, that leaves will unfurl and flowers bloom.  The harvest may still be too far away to imagine but you know that its almost time to plant the garden.  There is reason to hope that soon new life, new growth will be all around you.

(I know its not even the beginning of Winter and here I am talking about Spring)

But, this December feels like that cusp of Spring morning.

Sure there’s still snow on the ground and its too cold to even think of sowing a crop. It may have seemed that the long cold night would never end.  It may still feel like that from time to time.

But, I smelled it.   Something is stirring beneath the ground.  Winter is almost over.  Something is ready to be brought into the light.

What will you birth in 2011?

Blessings

Jia

Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. Use the end of your year as an opportunity to reflect on what’s happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead. With Reverb 10 – and the 31 prompts our authors have created for you – you’ll have support on your journey.

Dec 7 – Community

My husband and I often joke that whilst fantasy stories abound with folks who awake one day to find they are of Elven blood (or some other similarly magical stock) that, if anything, we can count Hobbits among our ancestors. Not only are we fond of food and the relative comfort of hearth and home, we are somewhat reclusive sorts. Not ones inclined to go on exciting journeys or dangerous quests.

Combine that with the discomfort in traveling (or walking or standing for great lengths of time) that have come along with age, weight, injury, and illness. Add to that the self-imposed isolation that can come with stress, depression (and having a child with mood disorder).

As a result we are homebodies. But the blessing of the Internet is that it allows you to find community without ever leaving your living room.

In 2010 the community I connected to the most is the one I have on Facebook. I have an account that I use in relation to both this blog and 2Witches.com, but I also have a personal account under my real name. It was through this account that I was able to reconnect with so many people that I knew in high school, and in my early 20′s. It was thru this account that friends reached out with love and support when we went through such a rough time this past summer with Reya’s health and mental health issues. It was this community that reached out financially to take some of the strain off of us.

For their presence in my life I am forever grateful. For the support they’ve lent, for the laughter we’ve shared, I am in their debt forever.

Dec 8 – Beautifully Different

This is a hard one. I’ve always felt different. I’ve never really felt like I fit in – a square peg in a round world.

I learned to read (by myself) at the age of four.
I learned that it made my parents happy if I got good grades.

I started to believe I was only lovable when I succeeded.

I stopped trying.

I never learned how to stand up for myself.
I learned instead how to swallow my feelings and allow myself to be abused.

I started to believe I deserved it.

I stopped trying.

I learned that I was never going to be popular. I had no self esteem.
I learned that I loved to sing. I never learned to trust my own voice.

I started to believe I was worthless.

I stopped trying.

I learned to follow a different faith than that of my childhood.
I learned to be a wife and a mother.
I learned to cope with disability and mental illness.
I learned to work hard for very little because there wasn’t any other choice.

I started to believe that nothing I did really made a difference.

I stopped trying.

At the age of 41 (I’ll be 42 in June) I’ve come to terms with most of it.

I’ve learned that I have to let the past stay in the past.  I can’t change it.

I’ve learned that I am strong and smart and capable.  I can do more than I give myself credit for.

I’ve learned that no matter what I do some people will think I’m strange.  I can’t change their minds.  I can’t stop being who I am.

I’ve learned that the things that make me different …

• that I’d rather read a book than go to a party
• that I’d rather watch a beloved movie on our DVD player for the upteenth time than go see the latest blockbuster in the theater
• that I’d rather get mixing bowls and cookie sheets for Xmas than get diamonds
• that I’d rather have 5 friends who really care than 50 who really don’t
• that I’d rather be able to cook simple hearty fare than gourmet meals
• that I’d rather have a tiny house in the country than a mansion
• that I’d rather be “too sensitive” than have a cold and hardened heart.
• that I’d rather follow a faith I believe than give lip service to one I don’t
• that I’d rather my husband think I’m beautiful than care what the rest of the world thinks
• that I think that love is all that matters and all the rest is bullshit

… are the things that my husband (who’s opinion means a lot) fell in love with me for, are the things my friends (who’s opinions also mean a great deal) love about me … are the things that I hope my children (who I love more than anything else in the Universe) learn from me.

That being said …

I’ve also learned that the power to change my life is in no one else’s hands but my own.

That trying and not succeeding isn’t failing, but that not even trying is.

May 2011 be a year of continued efforts to try to bring the life we dream of into fruition, even if only by baby steps at a time.

Blessings

Jia

Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. Use the end of your year as an opportunity to reflect on what’s happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead. With Reverb 10 – and the 31 prompts our authors have created for you – you’ll have support on your journey.

Party

I am not a rock your socks off party kind of girl.  I dislike crowds.  I don’t enjoy loud music.  I’m generally too self-conscious to dance.  As I mentioned a week or so ago, Accolan and I are hobbit-like by nature.  My idea of a good time is sharing a family meal with a friend or two.  Good conversation, laughter, and a glass of cheer.

Last weekend we had my dad’s side of the family over for a pre-Christmas get-together.  I spent most of the time between the kitchen and the dining room, bringing out fresh batches of hot appetizers.  I don’t remember what people wore, and I didn’t share much in the way of conversation.

But, I took pride in putting out more food than could be finished, even by the horde of hungry locusts (oh I’m sorry I mean the tweens and teens) that kept descending upon the spread.  I was thrilled to have our friend Mel spend part of the evening with us, and more grateful than I can say for her help with the cleanup. I was happy to do for my dad what once would’ve been something my mother would’ve done.

Wisdom

The wisest decision that Accolan & I made this year was in admitting Reya into an outpatient mental health program this summer.   For the first time in almost 4 years of coping with her issues with depression and mood disorder we have her on solid footing.  I feel like I have my daughter back.

Appreciate

I think the thing I have come to appreciate the most is my children.  They are the top priority in my life.  We’ve had some scares this year with each of their health.  I try not to take them for granted, or the amount of time I have with them.  I hope that each year, while I make my fair share of mistakes, that I make enough memories with them to carry through the rest of their lives.

Blessings

Jia

Note – The prompts for “5 minutes”, “Action” and “11 Things” deserve their own posts which I will work on in the days to come.  I am skipping “Body Integration” as it is not something I even came close to achieving in 2010 – in fact I can’t remember the last time I felt it.