The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me.  There is of course the physical aspect of it.  Working 60+ hours a week, only rarely getting a day off, is tough.  Add to that my issues with chronic pain (arthritis, neurofibromatosis, pelvic/abdominal adhesions) and fatigue and I’ve been, frankly, a mess.

More recently my stress levels have been heightened by both a situation with Reya (not fit for public consumption) and an issue with my primary job where (just like Spring of 2011 and 2010) I am being threatened with a pay cut.  The reasoning behind this threat is long and convoluted (and unmerited to boot) and is compounded by the fact that the business of telemarketing sales has become so much harder than it was when I joined this company 10 years ago.  Unfortunately, while I’ve managed to squeak by in years past I might not be able to pull it off this year – which fills me with stark terror as I can’t afford to lose the $160-320 a month I might lose.

Last week I reached my breaking point.  I took a sick day on Wednesday after having a headache for 3 straight days.  Friday found me crying 2 hours into my shift as I was, yet again, finding myself unable to make a sale no matter what I said or did.  I realized that I had to make a change.

Effective this week I have rearranged my hours at my primary job, and cut back from 40 to 36 hours a week.  This will allow me to have one day completely off a week – to catch up on sleep, to catch up on cooking (and other chores), to spend time with the family, and to just not have to deal with customers (on the phone or in person).

I also hope to use this found time to start working on me.  My therapist wants us to start working on excavating/rediscovering my Self.  The real me that I have slowly over the years shoved down into boxes, put up on shelves, or hidden in closets.

I will of course keep you posted.

Jia

The more time that passes with me working two jobs, the more things manage to fall through the cracks.

Most recently (and most troubling) has found me having to play catch up on a number of bills, because simply I forgot to pay them.  Of course that this is compounded by the fact that (even with working my full time job and my part time job) that there isn’t enough money to pay everybody.  And, unfortunately, this is only getting worse as we live off of credit cards as a way to supplement my meager wages.

Most of this is due to the limitations of my wage-earning ability right now.  I am barely managing to hack it working the hours I am.  And there are times (like with an upcoming appointment for Sephoni at the gastroeneterologist, or an unpaid sick day, or an evening off so I can go to therapy, or an unpaid holiday closure (Easter, Memorial Day, etc) at my full time job) when I have to lose hours I really do desperately need.  Of course this is compounded by the fact that (despite promising time and again to stop) we have not yet been able to give up all of our unnecessary spending.

The bigger cuts were relatively easy.  Cutting back on cable services.  Using less utilities.  Telling Sephoni that we can’t afford summer camp this year.  You get the idea.

But, the smaller expenditures seem so harmless at the moment (or maybe more honestly we feel entitled to them) and add up all too quickly.  A bottle of cheap wine, a bag of chips, a novel I’ve been waiting to read, a bunch of clothes off clearance.  $5 here … $10, 15, or 20 there.  It adds up.

I think a lot of it had to do with thinking that it would be resolved by now.  That we only had to hold on “for a little while.”  Unfortunately, more than 8 months later, there isn’t an actual end in sight.  Armed with the knowledge that it will be at least 4-6 months until we hopefully start to get anything in the way of good news (if Accolan gets approved for VA benefits, if our lawyer can convince his disability provider to do the right thing, if we can get him approved instead by SSDI) I have renewed my intentions toward living on less, living more simply, learning to be free from the gimmies.

I don’t share this to whine, although I know that it is probably how it sounds.  I share this more as a way to hold myself (us) accountable.  To start moving in the right direction.

In the meantime all I can do is try to hold on to the faith (the hope … the prayer) that it will all be ok in the end.

Blessings

Jia

Much is the same since I last wrote anything here at Blade & Cauldron.

I’m still working two jobs, often 7 days a week, and there is as yet no end in sight.  My health issues are starting to speak up a bit louder as time passes, but so far I’m still holding my own so long as I rest when I am not working.

Accolan is staying as positive as possible in spite of the fact that, since the appeal (can you call it an appeal if they didn’t send him for another examination but just said “no, we’re not reconsidering”) to reinstate his long term disability was unsuccessful.  We are also in the process of applying for Social Security disability (with the help of an attourney) as well as Veteran’s benefits as well.  None of this does anything to bolster an already shaken sense of self esteem however.

Reya is doing well academically in high school this year.  That being said, we are back in a place where her mood disorder has kicked itself (while not thankfully into high gear) up a couple of notches.  Add to this the expected issues with raising a 17 year old who wants to be given all the rights of adulthood, while having none of the responsibilities thereof.

Sephoni has been having stomach issues for over a year now.  Things have gotten bad enough that she has missed 14 days of school to them since September (not counting days spent down on the couch over weekends and holidays.  We are working with a gastroenterologist and undergoing a lot of tests.  We are also keeping a food/symptom journal to see if we can identify triggers.  Aside from that she is doing well in school and enjoying being in band, choir, and the school musical.

Reya dropped out of Tae Kwon Do and while Sephoni has missed quite a bit of class due to illness and has been unable to proceed further in her belt testings due to our finances it still looks like she’ll be able to go for her black belt in October.

Hope this finds you all well and happy.

Be blessed.

Jia

Id like to say that I’ve accomplished a lot.  Truth be told I haven’t accomplished very much at all.

We were starting to do well in terms of making healthy dietary changes.  More recently, we’ve fallen back to old ways of comforting ourselves with “junk.”  But, overall we are still eating better than we were.

I haven’t had the time or energy to tackle any de-cluttering tasks.  But, my father will be traveling a bit this month and I will have a little more freedom to pull our bedroom apart and slowly put it back together.

I have gone to 2 appointments with my therapist and am making a commitment to myself to go every 2 weeks for the duration.  It is a hard thing to admit that I need help.  It is even harder to lose my habit of making jokes about my troubles and get real about how frustrated, scared, and even angry I am all too often.

After a brief drop in hours immediately after the holidays my hours at Walmart have returned to their usual level.  This means that I am back to working 58-65 hours a week.  Days off are a rare luxury, but I have learned that I have to have them for both my emotional and physical health.

In terms of health, the four of us have taken turns with various ills during the entire month of January (Sephoni alone has missed 8 days of school).  Luckily, the girls have health insurance again as of yesterday (through the state) and were able to go to the doctor today and get on antibiotics.  In fact, that is probably the best thing that has happened so far this year – it is a huge load off of my mind and weight off of my shoulders to simply not have that worry (or the out of pocket expenses) anymore.

I hope that 2012 has been blessing each of you

Jia

While the new year actually began 2 weeks ago, tomorrow marks the first day of what I hope will be a year of positive changes.  Some of the delay can be blamed on us wanting to get the last of the holiday food out of the house, as well as to get past Accolan’s birthday.  Much of it though can be blamed on some health issues that flared up for me.

I am, thankfully, feeling much better than I was for a while there and am looking forward to getting my life back on track.

This weeks goals include:

Starting a healthier eating regimen.  Until the growing season returns and brings with it affordable fruit, smoothies are on the back burner.  Instead Accolan will be starting his days with oatmeal and I will be breakfasting on fat free Greek yogurt with raw honey.  Lunches will have a focus on raw veggies – salad for Accolan and raw veggies with dressing for me (since I can’t digest lettuce).  Dinner will be healthy real food with smaller servings (this week’s menu includes vegetarian chili and a white bean & sausage stoup).  Snacks will be fresh fruit, unsweetened applesauce, sugar free Jello, or air-popped popcorn.

Tomorrow I plan to go to Walmart and pick up some storage boxes and bins and start on decluttering our bedroom.  This means tackling the desk and years and years of paperwork, sorting through every drawer, closet, nook and cranny.

Tuesday I start therapy. As a benefit of Accolan’s Veteran status I am able to get this free and with all the stress that we are currently dealing with (and all of the baggage over the years that I have simply stuffed down) now is as good a time as any to work on getting my head straight.

What steps are you making so far this year?  Are you excited about any particular goals?

Blessings

Jia