Much Ado About Nothing

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Once again I find myself needing to borrow prompts from Dianne Sylvan.

Listening to: Still nothing.  Despite knowing that it will help boost my spirits I haven’t made any effort to find a way to bring music back into my life.  Part of it is hating the feel of the earbuds, and the inconvenience of having to keep them in my pocket, which would enable me to listen to music during my meal break at work.  I even keep putting off buying a set of headphones to wear at bedtime that would enable me to watch Netflix when I can’t sleep or to even start listening to guided meditations to help find my spiritual side again.  I’m not even sure why.

Wearing: I have made a concerted effort to wear the tree of life pendant the kidlet bought me for Xmas/Yule every day at work to remind myself that I am loved and I have taken to wearing an aromatherapy pendant as well (with a frankincense based scent) to help modulate my stress.

Eating: Still haven’t gotten on the wagon.  We have made a few small changes in the past few months.  We gave up diet soda for seltzer and have given up ice cream in the evenings.  I am making a concerted effort to make meals based on what’s in the pantry/freezer/etc so we can “use up” the less healthy choices in the house.  So baby steps are being made.  But, we are still finding ourselves buying junk food though as a way to medicate our emotions as things are pretty stressful right now.

Drinking: Lots and lots of seltzer.  Making a concerted effort to try and drink a bit more at work (despite lacking the ability to count on when I’ll have access to the restroom … ah retail!) and really trying to hyper-hydrate at night and on my days off.

Watching: Still too much TV that I’m not enjoying.  Some of that is based on my depression, more of it is due to chronic fatigue.  I am in the midst of cardiac testing to see if that is a factor and, if not, will pursue other avenues because I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and not knowing why.

Making: Two weeks later and my crochet hooks and yarn are still gathering dust.

Reading: Spending a lot of time reading websites for research for a novel idea that’s been haunting me for a while.  Not sure if anything will come of it, but it serves as an interesting diversion.

Cooking: Finally making more real food again.  Tried a new recipe for beef stew with Guinness beer, made cookies with flax seed that were a hit, trying to get back into cooking a couple of times a week to keep the rest of the time “heat and eat” to avoid the temptations of take-out.

Smelling: No change.  But, I am thinking of buying another diffuser for the living room so I can use oils in the evening as well to help me feel more relaxed.

Disliking: My job.  A lot.  But, for a number of reasons this is not the right time to make a change.  But, I am making an affort to plan more days off during which we can plan fun.  I’m planning to do more on my regular days off, even if that just means going to therapy (yeah I’m in the midst of finding a therapist too because my untreated depression/anxiety/etc is probably a piece of the whole low energy thing, even if it isn’t the whole explanation)

Liking: Starting to plan a vacation in the summer.  Hoping to do a road trip to northern VT, up to Montreal Canada, across to Niagara Falls, and then back home.  It will be a lot of driving (poor hubby) and we will have to get passports, and I’m not sure we can actually manage it (the time, the money, etc) but it’s fun to dream regardless.

Needing: To find a way out of the doldrums, to find the motivation to do the things I know will help, but seem so impossible to do in the moment.

Wanting: See above.



What’s Going On

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Having little in the way of original thought today I’m going to borrow prompts from one of the bloggers I have continued to read long past when I myself stopped blogging a few years ago, Dianne Sylvan.

Listening to: Nothing. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that I don’t listen to music at all, except when I’m in the car with hubby, and even then it’s not music that I would choose so I tune it out. Even more “disturbing” is that this means I also can’t remember the last time I sang.

Wearing: A depressing mix of black white and blue at work. At home? Unless I’m going out I’m pretty much living in clothes that are just one step away from being jammies.

Eating: Way too much junk. Most of which I don’t even enjoy. But after this weekend which is both a belated holiday celebration (my friend E is coming in from out of state) and a bit of a birthday celebration for the hubby (but mostly a “I survived another holiday season in retail” celebration) hubby and I are intending to get up on the proverbial wagon for the upteenth and hopefully last time and change our eating habits for our health.

Drinking: We gave up diet soda a while ago and this time we’ve actually stuck with it. So I drink mostly seltzer. The plan is to invest in a water filter (a pitcher or one that screws on the tap) and wean ourselves off the bubbles this summer.

Watching: Mostly TV that I have little to no interest in. But I am looking forward to watching the Christmas episode of Sherlock that waits on the DVR and am looking forward to the return of X-Files.

Making: I haven’t picked up a crochet hook in months and months. But, I did find a list of charities that I can start making items for and I am hoping that will help get me off of my ass.

Reading: Just finished reading (for the second time) Starhawk’s City of Refuge. Now I want to re-read the whole series.

Cooking: Again, a lot of crap, much of it processed. Which, if you’ve ever read this blog in the past (or know me in real life) you know how unlike me this really is. This weekend was dubbed Fishy Fest so there will be copious amounts of seafood being served and eaten. Afterwards though the plan is to go back to homemade real food.

Smelling: Changed over from my usual nightly mix of lemon and eucalyptus oil to a meditation blend that includes frankincense in my diffuser at bedtime. Not sure I’ve noticed a difference in sleep length or quality. But, I will be getting another diffuser for the spare room and plan to start using oils during the day as well.

Disliking: Having to wear a cardiac event monitor (almost done with my 10 days) and knowing that I have to get an echocardiogram and stress test in the next couple of weeks.

Liking: Knowing that this weekend I’ll be seeing two of the women in my life that are sisters of my soul.

Needing: A month or so off from work to do all the organizational and related tasks that need to be done to really get some order back in my life.

Wanting: That I had won the Powerball



Putting some heart into it

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I’ve accomplished very little in the past few days. One task I completed was to delete nearly 3000 pieces of spam from my main email address’ inbox, unscribing as I went, so as to allow my email account to be something I can actually use, instead of simply ignore.

But, my main accomplishment was to follow through on some medical testing that I’ve needed for too long. I am about halfway through a 10 day period of wearing a cardiac event monitor. I have been experiencing episodes of tachycardia for 17 years (started during my pregnancy with my youngest), but while these episodes were infrequent and annoying initially, the past few years have seen them increase in frequency and duration. Additionally, my fatigue and exercise intolerance had continued to increase (and bring with them fun few symptoms like chest tightness and shortness of breath).

After this, I have both an echocardiogram and an exercise stress test scheduled in February and will know by early March what to do next.

I’ll keep you posted



Baby Steps

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I have decided to, at the very least, try and spend a few minutes a day to tackle the clutter in my life, both literal and metaphorical.

Today is was a matter of shifting years of paperwork (in somewhat organized piles) off of the desk in the bedroom so that it could be dusted off. While I still have some work to do (another day) to finish clearing off the desktop and to clear out the drawers, I am pleased to have at least done something tangible. The eventual goal is to obviously sort through all of this paperwork and make it actually organized.

Once the desk is completely clean and empty it will be moved into what became a guest room of sorts when my elder kidlet moved out of the house. While the plan is for it to remain a usable guest room, the intent is to have it be an office/Craft room (as opposed to a craft room). A place where I can listen to music that feeds my soul, read books that stimulate my heart and mind, and, perhaps, even finally sit down and work on the writing that I have longed to do for years.



The Long Road Back

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‘Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?’
L.M. Montgomery

I’ve never been one for New Year’s resolutions. But, I do like to see each year as a fresh start. After too many tough years in a row, I am hoping to use 2016 to reclaim the person I used to be. Or, at least, use 2016 to reclaim the parts of myself that I miss and to build the kind of life that I long for.

I am not quite sure how to accomplish this task. But, I plan to use my blog to track the journey.